Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
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Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.