*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
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Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Friday
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
The photographer’s assistant
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first