Me: I like to set goals for myself. Last year I tackled the Rockies
Date: Impressive – so what’s your plan for 2021?
Me: Probably the Rambos
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks