@daemonic3

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

You Might Also Like

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I like to set goals for myself. Last year I tackled the Rockies

Date: Impressive – so what’s your plan for 2021?

Me: Probably the Rambos

@stevevsninjas

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

@corinnemlwsw

This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.

@DancesWithTamis

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

@meganamram

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

@That_One_Dude24

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

@PhuckinCody

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

@PatsATweetin

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks