Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—