If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.