Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic