You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
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My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler