Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”