Pizza is like racism. America didn’t invent it, but it’s hard to find a country that does it better.

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My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.


Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.


[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*


Every so often my mother has a great idea, usually it involves leaving my house.


Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss


ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho


Me to 4 yr old niece:
your shoes are on the wrong feet
Niece looks down and says:
I don’t have any other feet

Outsmarted again.