Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
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Life’s too short to have your shit together.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“