@_mcgoof

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

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@LifesGoodThing

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

@daplusk

Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks

@SharkJelly

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

@AaronFullerton

Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?

@arcadeseals

her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally

@PaperWash

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

@Scorpio1080

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

@EffdotEss

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

@FatherWithTwins

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

@DurtMcHurtt

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.