Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
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Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.