Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
You Might Also Like
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.