Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
*looks up at lightbulb
*looks back at phone
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”