@sixfootcandy

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

@meganamram

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

@SondraDeeMe

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

@LizHackett

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

@Nofstnme

Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.

@ShootyDoody

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

@ThisOneSayz

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

@funnybeachgirl

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”