‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.