Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
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My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance