We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
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My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.
“THIS is my wife..”
*looks down at the ground
A recent study shows 50% of people think that people who can’t spell are idiots .. The other 50% said “that’s ridiclious!”
*Works out on rowing machine
*Breaks rowing machine
*Doesn’t know own strength
*Buys Doritos to celebrate
*Can’t open bag
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?
Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*