One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Bike is short for Bichael.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
wishing you and yours all the best
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare