@DaHess1

Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.

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@CloydRivers

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

@shawnspree

My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground

*sighs

*kicks can

@Lexi__Alexandra

A recent study shows 50% of people think that people who can’t spell are idiots .. The other 50% said “that’s ridiclious!”

@CaniacMONK

*Works out on rowing machine

*Breaks rowing machine

*Doesn’t know own strength

*Buys Doritos to celebrate

*Can’t open bag

@0v3rthOught

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

@slimmy_shady

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

@mdob11

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

@Girl_Censored

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

@Cpin42

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

@generaldietz

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*