they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
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Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.