Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Give me your water, Human!
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?
ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen