Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.