Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
And now we wait
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.