@asaltiercorpse

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

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@RaeUvLite

When I get my vaccine, I hope I become like that naked blue chick from the X-men

@beefman138

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

@Vodkantots

If he doesn’t return your texts, it’s because he’s busy leaving his wife for you.

Obviously.

@PaperWash

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

@SnarkyMommy78

3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything

@TheCamJude

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

@AbbyHasIssues

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

@ProZD

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT