Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]