Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom