Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
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I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Fries, not lies.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!