cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
12653.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.