Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
You Might Also Like
Usage Guidelines
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”