@KevinBuffalo

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

- @KevinBuffalo

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@Quartzjixler

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

@TomSchally

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

@KevinFarzad

What’s being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that.

@FlyJ_

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

@MelvinofYork

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

@LackOfShame

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

@thevickster_sa

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

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