Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
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Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
How to wake up a Beagle
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.