[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
BARISTA: can i get a name?
ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany
BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order
ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.