@Pundamentalism

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

You Might Also Like

@ThisOneSayz

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

@TheRolo

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

@Book_Krazy

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

@iwearaonesie

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

@capricecrane

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

@PhuckinCody

[starbucks]
BARISTA: can i get a name?

ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany

BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order

ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”

@dixinormus10

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.