“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Covid like
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.