Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
*limbos away from your hug*
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?