Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going