*Catches the dead body at the wedding*
Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a ‘one stop shop’ kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting