During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.