@N0pantz

Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a ‘one stop shop’ kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.

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@GenevieveKoski

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

@pattonoswalt

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

@baronvonbike

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

@danjan13

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

@KevinSussman

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

@Tired_Dad_of_2

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

@ch000ch

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

@KateQFunny

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

@DaddyBeerGuy

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting