Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I want what they have
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.