Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.


If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore


My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.


Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude


me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.


[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people


As a mother of four, I am often asked what is the best way to child proof your home.

A: Send them outside to play and lock all the doors.