@OneyeBogey

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

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@sarcasticmommy4

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

@iwearaonesie

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

@XLCadillac

My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.

@NotTodayEric

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@EllaZee5

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

@GrantTanaka

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

@Inferno_V

As a mother of four, I am often asked what is the best way to child proof your home.

A: Send them outside to play and lock all the doors.