[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
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Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?