*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.