If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.