*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Meeeee too!
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father