[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
You Might Also Like
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.