Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

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son *sigh* What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *slides my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*


one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth



– Tony the Tiger’s wife


At what age do you say never again and actually mean it.


Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*


best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”


[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*


House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.