Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
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When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.