[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
You Might Also Like
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
#math
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.