Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.
(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone….some day, while its locked
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
dammit these are my april pants
I just want to take you out…
With an AK-47…
& you thought on a date…hahaha.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.