My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
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Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much