[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
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“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Cashiers are always checking me out
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.