@Skoog

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

- @Skoog

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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
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@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

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@XplodingUnicorn

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@animadvertguy

WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
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@FatherWithTwins

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

@kristendrum

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire