[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
whatcha thinkin bout
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.