[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.