[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.