[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
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moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My blood type is coffee.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game