*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.