@johnroderick

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

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@saggiesplinters

ratatouille this and ratatouille that what about some respect for my friggin girlies

@toomanycommas3

“I’m pretty good at not taking things personally,” she lied, after 4 hours of analyzing why he asked if she was having a bad day.

@NewDadNotes

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

@MarieLoerzel

Some people look sexy when they sweat, but I look like I have malaria.

@_davidlucas_

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

@SardonicTart

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

@realHamOnWry

I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.

@AngelaEhh

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

@NewYorker

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

@jonnysun

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop