Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

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ratatouille this and ratatouille that what about some respect for my friggin girlies


“I’m pretty good at not taking things personally,” she lied, after 4 hours of analyzing why he asked if she was having a bad day.


Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!


Some people look sexy when they sweat, but I look like I have malaria.


So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.


[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.


I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.


My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.


A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:


[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
[entire audience starts laughig]
[audience laughs louder]