By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
When people say “Let’s not get off on the wrong foot here”, I reply “Please don’t get off on either of my feet”.
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I didn’t have a headache until you pulled your pants down.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”