@johnroderick

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

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@Gooooats

By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.

@KiaraJeanine

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

@Cheeseboy22

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

@iamspacegirl

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

@Reverend_Scott

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

@Adam14

When people say “Let’s not get off on the wrong foot here”, I reply “Please don’t get off on either of my feet”.

@Mr_Kapowski

[kissing]

Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt

@NikiWithIssues

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

@junejuly12

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”