“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*
*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Me: well apparently not
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face