*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

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– My Doctor


ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.


Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup


An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”


People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.


Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not


I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.


How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face