Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone