[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?