@Tommytoughstuff

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

- @Tommytoughstuff

You Might Also Like

@colonel_trilL

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

@Green_EyedMama

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

@Darlainky

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

@SteveSuckington

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

@patrickhogan91

Can’t get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@canadasandra

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

@suzieQ0007

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.