Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
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Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“OMGJK” -atheists