me: are u Scottish
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–
It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid
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My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75
Never talking to anyone:
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]
I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren’t that bright.
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.