@NicestHippo

PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–

It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid

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@ClichedOut

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@mattsurely

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

@better_off_dad

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

@cervixsmash

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family

@djdarrellripley

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

@jtrulez

To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

@skittle624

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@HenpeckedHal

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren’t that bright.