@NicestHippo

PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–

It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid

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@bwebster76

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

@torrami

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

@FirecrackerKatt

My profile: I am looking for a smart and kind man that is totally ok with the idea of me wanting a pet raccoon

Bumble: You have 0 messages today

@GreenishDuck

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

@cray_at_home_ma

What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.

@BGH70

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

@MarfSalvador

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

@Just_BCS

Wine – you’re gonna sleep good

Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.

Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.

@TheTweetOfGod

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.