PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–

It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid

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Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.


My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus


My profile: I am looking for a smart and kind man that is totally ok with the idea of me wanting a pet raccoon

Bumble: You have 0 messages today


Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.


What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.


Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.


[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else


Wine – you’re gonna sleep good

Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.

Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.


Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.