@WhoTheHeckIsMeg

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

You Might Also Like

@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

@Sassafrantz

You’d think strip poker would be more fun but Grandpa is horrible at cards.

@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@AnExocticBeach

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

@AndLookPretty

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

@BromanConsul

“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library

@jazz_inmypants

what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby

@stayathomies

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.